Mom of the Year

I am going to give myself an award. Many of you think you deserve this award, but I assure you – it is mine.

I get the Bad Mom Award.

It all started seven years ago when I got a nursing degree. I am very compassionate with anyone outside of my family, but within the family, I think it is whispered behind my back that I am a bit of a Nurse Ratched (imagine that!). When I got the nursing degree, I began to think that I knew what I was doing. When I tell my husband when he has a fever, “You're not sick. Get up and caulk that bathroom,” I feel that since I have that RN behind my name, I know what's going on. Perhaps not.

It was a year ago that my son got slammed into a wall while playing indoor soccer. He's young. He's flexible. When he started complaining that his back hurt, I raised an eyebrow and gave him an ice pack. A few months later, I took him to the chiropractor. It helped, but the pain came back. I figured that the kid had never had aches and pains – he just hadn't learned to ignore it. Another month of ice and Advil, and I said, “Okay. I'll get it x-rayed.” I said this begrudgingly, which I am truly sad to admit.

It turned out that the poor boy had a bi-lateral stress fracture of his vertebrae. Bad Mom Award.

Then there was the time my daughter said that she had an upset stomach before going to school. “You're just tired,” the Mom of the Year said. “Brush your teeth.” After which, the girl proceeded to throw up her entire breakfast (and probably the previous night's dinner) in the sink. Again, Bad Mom Award.

And then this week. My daughter had missed gymnastics last week for a stomach ache. I had been lax. I had given in easily and allowed her to miss without so much as a temperature check. So, when she met me after school this week and said that her stomach hurt again on a gymnastics day, my head spun around a couple of times and I said, “You're not sick. You're just tired.” Hm, I sense a pattern here.

She replied with tears and a loud voice saying, “Mom! I'm really sick! Why don't you believe me?”

My answer was, of course, “Quit yelling.” I still didn't believe her.

We made it to the car and I gave in to her squalls by dropping by our house instead of going straight to the gym. “Just take my temperature!” she wailed.

I bared my teeth at the poor child and said, “Okay, fine. But if you don't have a fever, you are going.”

She did not have a fever. I said, “Get dressed. We're going,” which set off another round of “Mom! I'm really sick!”

I narrowed my eyes and said, “Okay. You stay home, but you are not moving off of that couch. No TV. No iPod.”

The girl slept for two hours. She really was sick. Bad Mom Award.

So don't feel bad. You are a good mom. You just might want to avoid my house if you're ever feeling sick. I might make you go caulk the bathroom.

Wanderlust

I want to travel. I have a burning passion to see and experience as much of the world (and beyond) as I can. If Star Trek became reality, I would be at the front of the line to go.

My sons say, “Then just go.” I would love to, but I’m just not that selfish, surprisingly. I will give up my trip to Italy this year to pay my sons’ college tuition.

But that doesn't mean that I’m giving up on traveling…

I am blessed to live in a culturally abundant area. I traveled to India today as a matter of fact. I went to the Indian market. I ate the tikka masala with the fingers of my right hand and immersed myself in the smells of curry and cardamom. I struck up a conversation with the store clerk. I entered a world where I was the only one with blue eyes and where English was the exception, not the rule.

I love going to Sweden. When the electric doors of IKEA open, the smells of lingonberries and Swedish meatballs tickle my senses. The neatly arranged room-boxes and modern light fixtures with names like “Söderhamn” and “Magnarp” make me feel like I should go bleach my hair and eat some gravlax.

A few weeks ago, I went to Korea (North or South – doesn’t matter, I’m safe). .

I ate my bulgogi from my lunch box plate with chopsticks, heady with the slight scariness of not knowing exactly what I had ordered at Chang Jing restaurant, and of hearing only Korean spoken at all of the tables around me.

When I go to China, I am amazed at all of the live seafood and the fruits and vegetables that I’ve never seen before. I brought fresh juji fruit home(and you thought it was just a candy) from the Ranch 99 Chinese market the other day. I had to google how to eat the things. The last time I went there, I had to find an Asian teenager who spoke English to tell me how to buy the pastries (it’s more complicated than you would think). It was scary. Awesome.

Mexico is easy. I actually speak some Spanish. There are so many Mexican grocery stores and restaurants around here that I actually feel somewhat comfortable there. I went to La Michoacana this week. I was the only white person there. :)

Sometimes, I don’t have to actually go anywhere at all to travel. My son’s piano teacher’s wife is from Taiwan. She taught me some Chinese, fed me Taiwanese food, and showed me pictures of her beautiful country. Ni hao. And I’ve been to Russia.

When we remodeled our bathroom, the owner of the remodeling company was from Russia. I probably surprised him when I popped into the bathroom and said, “I want to learn to speak Russian.” But he humored me and I took a small trip to the Motherland.

No, I haven’t set foot in China, Korea, or Russia. Not yet, at least. And Antarctica is still calling to me. I’ll get there when the time is right. For now, I may not be seeing the buildings and northern lights, but I am meeting the people who are from the places I want to go. It’s good. When I travel, I like meeting the people and plunging myself into the different cultures most of all anyway. I’m going to make a call to my Mary Kay lady now – she’s from Germany…

On the subject of happiness...

I’ve been reading Ayn Rand. I’m sure she has influenced this blog entry. Thank you Ayn.

We can do everything in our power to be happy and actually find joy in our hearts. But then, we meet “the looters” as Ms. Rand calls them. These are those people in this world who despise seeing happiness in other people. Some of these people don’t even realize that they do this, and they would be dismayed to learn that they are. These people, though, are a true evil in our world.

These people will systematically remove all sources of happiness from our lives. If fishing makes you happy, they will complain until you stop. If dancing gives you joy, they will either criticize you until you don’t want to do it anymore, or they will just refuse to let you dance. If watching sports on TV is a source of pleasure to you, these people will whine until you stop. Slowly, cunningly, these people will separate you from all that makes you smile – your family, your children, pets, friends, religion, sex, even certain foods. It is the most insidious of all forms of abuse. If someone hits you, you are obviously abused. But most victims of this type of torture probably don’t even know what is going on. They just can’t seem to get happy, especially children whose parents do this to them.

There is a sister to this sort of abuse by removal. It is the abuse by adding things that make you unhappy. The perpetrators of this are the people who make you do things that they know remove your happiness. There is a sadism in this type of abuse. These are the people who say lots of “Sorry”’s, and “It can’t be helped.” These are the people who take their kids or pets into the doctor for unnecessary visits and tests –just to torture them. The employer or spouse who makes you do jobs they know you don’t like, just to see you suffer. Subtle. Sneaky.

And unfortunately, I think women are the more guilty of this theft of happiness than men. How many wives nag their husbands about golf, sports, fishing, even working late?

Once these thieves have separated you from what makes you happy, they will tell you how bad that thing is (“Your family is so low class…”). So, not only do they steal your happiness, but then they make you feel guilty for ever having enjoyed dancing (for example) in the first place.

I don’t know why these people do this. I know some who do this that had perfectly happy childhoods, trauma-less lives. Maybe they just can’t stand to see someone else happy. Maybe it’s some sort of envy or misplaced competitiveness.

Whenever I’ve seen this sort of vile abuse, it has usually been between a couple in a relationship or between parents and children. There are even those who abuse their pets, denying the animal the freedom to choose what makes them happy (all in the guise of “It’s for their own good.”). Luckily, I escaped such a relationship, but only after some serious, slap-me-in-the-face divine intervention.

I urge you now. Look at yourself. Look at your partner. Is she/he stealing all that makes you happy?

RUN! Run now!!

Run before you are sucked dry of all that gives you life, of all that makes you smile.

Are you the one doing this to someone else – your partner, your child, your pet? Stop. You are a monster. You don’t think that you are a monster, but you are. Figure out why you are doing this. Fix yourself; don’t break everyone around you.

If someone is stealing your happiness, just remember that you deserve to be happy, everyone does. Don’t fall for that load of crap that we all deserve to suffer. Just read a little Ayn Rand – you’ll see. And eat that piece of cake if it makes you happy. Don’t let anyone deprive you of that small slice of contentment.

How to Be Happy -- The Final Episode

Well, here it is… the final installment in my tips on how to be happy. I really hope everyone who has read them is at least a little bit happier. I have to say, I have enjoyed writing them. I feel like I might be making the world a tiny bit better -- I suppose I’ve always been an idealist. Here they are, the final tasty bites. Enjoy.

• Eat yogurt. It’s crazy, I know. But really, studies have been done (see http://health.yahoo.net/experts/dayinhealth/are-probiotics-new-prozac) that have proven that those who take some sort of pro-biotics daily are just happier.

• There are lots of things that you could try to ease stress and make you happier. I haven’t tried all of them and I have only listed a handful here, but I will try to post a link for each one. That way if you’re interested, you can check them out. Then let me know what you think!
Self hypnosis (http://www.mindtools.com/stress/RelaxationTechniques/SelfHypnosis.htm)
Deep breathing and guided imagery (http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/deep-breathing-guided-imagery-0622124)
Emotional Freedom Technique (http://eft.mercola.com/)
Essential oils and aromatherapy (http://www.swansonvitamins.com/blog/natural-health-tips/essential-oils-aromatherapy-guide)

• There are a few things that you should NOT do to make yourself happier. Do not self-medicate with things like alcohol, illegal drugs, out-of-control shopping, or overly risky behavior. Moderation, moderation.

• Finally, just laugh. Find the humor in the things around you and just laugh. Dr. Seuss said, “From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.”

That’s it. Enjoy your life. You are meant to be here – the world needs you. Again, it was Dr. Seuss who said, “Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

How to Be Happy -- Part Deux

I hope there are some of you with smiles on your faces who didn’t have them last week. :) Here are a few more tips:

• Eat healthy foods. I’m not a low carb person. I like carbs. I need carbs. The key is moderation. Eat chocolate – just not the whole bag. Eat a steak – just not every night. Eat bread – just not the whole loaf. Eat close to the earth (I mean the food is unprocessed; not that you’re lying on the floor). :)

• Take up a hobby. Try something new. Learn something different. I have pretty much worn my family out with all of the stuff I’ve tried. I’m off the Bikram Yoga and on to Tai Chi now.

• It’s okay to be sad. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grieving (see http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617). If you don’t let yourself be sad, your grief will spill over when you least expect it and you’ll find yourself bawling uncontrollably if you step on an ant. And don’t mistake the normal sadness of life for depression. Everyone needs to be sad once in awhile.

• Go outside of yourself. Quit thinking about how you feel; think about helping someone else. Volunteer somewhere. And remember that when someone is mean to you, they are probably having a bad day. It most likely has nothing at all to do with you. They are not trying to hurt you or give you some sort of message by their behavior. You are not a bad person because the cashier snapped at you. It’s her problem, not yours.

• Be present in the moment. Be here. Be now. Feel the chair on your skin. Feel the air blowing on your face. Feel the mouse under your hand. Smell the plastic smells of your computer. Leave the past in the past. Welcome the future and let it unfold in its beauty without your worry hastening its blossoming prematurely.

• Just as you have to give yourself the okay to be sad, you must give yourself permission to be happy. I blame it on soap operas. No one is ever allowed to be happy on those shows. As soon as something good happens to one of the characters, something awful happens. Life isn’t necessarily like that. If you allow yourself to relish in your joy, something horrible is not going to happen. Again, live in the moment. Don’t borrow sadness from tomorrow.

• Listen to music. Let it wash over you and immerse you in its healing power. Try different genres and see what brings a smile to your face. I’m listening to Reign of Kindo as I’m writing this (http://grooveshark.com/#!/search?q=reign+of+kindo), and I’m smiling from the inside out.

• Forgive. Let go. You’re only hurting yourself by holding a grudge. You are letting the people who hurt you continue to hurt you. And forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect.

• Don’t compare yourself to others. There will always be people better than you and people worse than you. Just be you. Be the best you that you can be. Compare yourself to yourself and grow from there.

• Change your routine. There is safety in sameness, but there is joy in variety.

Now go. Be happy. Embrace yourself. You are loved.

How to Be Happy -- Part I

I get asked all of the time, “How do you stay so happy?” My nickname at a few of my jobs was Sister Mary Sunshine, or sometimes just Sunshine. I usually smile and say, “I just have big teeth. It only looks like I’m happy and smiling all of the time.”

Really, I’m not qualified to tell you how to be happy. Happy is something I struggle to be all of the time. I walk on a tight-rope of happiness and sadness all of the time – who doesn’t? I have, though, learned a few tricks along the way that keep my walk a little tilted toward the happy. I’m going to share these tricks with you. I have to do this in a few blogs because there are so many of them. They are all somewhat equally important, so just take and use what you want. They won’t all work for you.

Who knows, maybe I’ll make you a little happier, and that, my friends is what life is all about…

• Exercise, exercise, exercise. No really, just exercise. Whether it’s walking the dog or running a marathon, just get up and exercise.

•Get some sunshine – every day. Go outside and face the sun. Walt Whitman said, “Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.” It’s true.

•I talked about personality types before (see June). Figure out what makes your personality type happy and do it. For example, if you are an introvert, make darn sure you get alone time – as much as you need.

•Find joy in small things. Whenever I see a cardinal, I smile. For me, a cardinal is a sign of hope, a little message telling me that everything is going to be okay. Figure out what your personal small joy is and bask in it.

•Believe in God. It is so nice to share the burden of this life. He can carry a big load.

•Remember that you are not alone. We are all connected by this crazy thing called life force. Look around you. You are never, ever going to be alone. Even if you were at the top of a mountain, all by yourself, someone is connected to you in spirit. Someone cares about you.

•Surround yourself with positive – positive people, positive TV, positive movies. Read the paper or the internet instead of watching the news on TV. Then you can skip over the icky stuff. I read a quote on Pinterest that said, “Spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress.” That’s good advice.

•Sleep. Take naps if you need to. But don’t freak out if you don’t get enough. That won’t help you. Eventually you’ll just pass out, so don’t worry. Somehow you’ll get enough. And maybe you just don’t need as much as everyone else.

•Fake it until you make it. Get yourself up and slap on make-up and a smile. If you’re not happy, just act happy anyway and happiness will follow. And believe me, that smile you just slapped on is going to make someone else happy, so just go with it.

That’s all for today. There are more to come. I’m going to leave you with a quote from Mother Teresa: “Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.” So smile. I’m smiling at you now. :D

Silver Linings Part 2

I just got home from yet another vacation filled with silver linings.

This time the family went tent-camping in the mountains of New Mexico. It was a great family-bonding experience. There was no electricity at the camp site, but we did have water (really, really cold water). And showers, sort of. Okay, so maybe not actual showers – more of a drizzle in a shower-shaped stall that had a button that had to pushed every 10 seconds or the water shut off.

It rained while we were there – every night. The silver lining? Our tent didn’t leak. And it was great sleeping with the sound of rain on the roof of the tent.

On our first full day in the mountains, we went for a 2.6 mile hike on the side of a mountain. While we were hiking, we got hailed on. We had no shelter, and we had just stopped under a pine tree to eat our sandwiches. What started as rain gradually upgraded to a lovely shower of pea-sized hail. The good thing? It wasn’t baseball-sized hail.  And as my daughter sat shivering in the hail with her wet shorts and t-shirt, she said, “This is the coolest thing ever!” The Doritos got a little soggy, but the cookies were fantastic. Even my wizened 19-year-old said, “This is how a vacation should be.” Who would have thought…

We decided to relax the on the day after our hike by going to a hot springs spa. This was going to be the highlight of our vacation (at least for me). We used to look for caves to explore on family vacations. Now, we’re changed our focus to hot springs for the old, achy bones. I was so excited. We got there and I started handing out the swimming suits. Guess who forgot the bottoms to her suit? Of course, it was me. Lucky for me, my son was wearing a pair of sliders that he could do without that I could wear. And even luckier for me, he had worn his black ones, not his white ones.

On our way home, we stopped at a Benedictine monastery north of Santa Fe (Christ in the Desert). It is a beautiful, peaceful place, bursting with the spirit of God. I drove on the way to the monastery. My husband drove on the way back. The road to the cloister is a 13 mile rock and red dirt path perched at times on the side of desert mountains. It takes a full hour to traverse it. On the way back to civilization, we got a flat tire. The road was so bumpy, we didn’t even feel it. Lucky for us, a car was behind us that flagged us down to tell us (and we thought they were just wanting to pass). We completely shredded the old tire. Again, lucky for us, we didn’t damage the metal wheel. And our spare was in good shape. And the boys got to climb one of those desert mountains while Dad changed the tire (“Best part of the trip Mom!”). And Dad was driving (not Mom) when it happened – thank you, God, for small favors.

We had to change our travel plans and spend the night in Santa Fe instead of Amarillo since our spare was a small one, and Amarillo was way too far to go on that spare. Santa Fe is cool! And we had really great New Mexican food. And the hotel didn’t charge us a fee to change our reservation. And Wal Mart was still open so we could buy a new tire.

You see, if you look hard enough, you can always find the silver linings in the dark clouds. What could have been a disastrous vacation was actually an amazing adventure. It’s all in the attitude. And chocolate helps too.